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Living with kids is like living with homeless people, isn’t it? They just chase you around the house all day long, going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm hungry. I need a ride.'
Let me just say -- drugs do not make you cool. It's the people that you do them with that make you cool.

My mother always told me, 'Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.' The cops walked up to my car, 'Would you like to step out of the car?' I said, 'Hell no, it's hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you hop your ass in here with me?'

I was at the mall with my grandmother, and there were these two giant thugs in front of us. And one of them turns to the other and starts bragging about how, earlier in the week, he had robbed a convenience store and was stomping on the cashier's head. At this point, my grandmother turns to me and says loud enough for him to hear, 'We should report him.' That's when my quick wit and intellect kicks in, and I realize I need to make sure that he does not think that we are talking about him. So I turn to my grandmother, and I say, 'Bitch, I don't know you.'

But you know who was out working in the blizzard? The crack whores. Seriously, I went walking around -- people don't think about how hard of a job that is. I would be the worst crack whore in the cold ever. I'd be like, 'It's free, just let me in the truck. I'm so cold -- I don't even want crack anymore, just a cigarette, that's all I want.'

I wanna be a great lover, I do. I went out, and I got this instructional video tape -- cost me like $19.95. It actually shows you move-for-move how to pleasure a woman. I got it two weeks ago. I don't really know if this video tape is going to help me make a woman orgasm. What I do know is that this videotape has helped me make myself orgasm.

I'm from L.A. We have Asian gangs, can you believe that? They try doing drive-bys, but they get into an accident before they ever get there.

The gang problem, I think, is in the Middle East. They've been doing drive-bys ever since they found out you could ride a camel and throw a rock at the same time.

I had a girlfriend that was 5'11. She wanted to have sex standing up in the shower. I rocked that sh*t. She almost dropped me a couple times, but I rocked that sh*t.
Big girls,  They’re starting to get in style with the skinny girls, too. They can wear thongs, now. You may not be able to see it, but they can wear it.

A lot of guys have nicknames for their penises, and I was recently given a nickname for mine from a woman while she was giving me oral sex. She named it The Inhaler. At least, that's what I thought she was naming it. It turns out she was asthmatic, and it's my fault she died.

God did not intend for a woman to weigh 90 pounds, alright? If you do, you are in third grade. Me, personally, I think the only thing that should weigh 90 pounds is maybe one full grown titty.

You're supposed to wait 'til you get married, get you a nice little ring on your finger -- a nice rock, or a pebble if he cheap, but preferably a rock. Now, come on, girls, say it with me, 'No ring, no ding-a-ling.' Come on, now -- 'No rock, no f**k.'

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey -- that's up to mommy, isn't it?'

I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

Nobody likes a furry back, nobody. Try to go down to the beach, take your shirt off. Babies start crying, women in the corner are puking -- 'Why isn't that dog on a leash?'

Life is all about luck. It's about being in the right place at the right time, that's all it is. The best example of that has to be Angelina Jolie's Cambodian kid, huh? Talk about being in the right orphanage in the right third world country!

They're so sweet in Boston; they're so delicate and tender... They come up to me, and they're like, 'Nice tits!' And then we hug 'cause I feel pretty.

Couple days a week, I go to an office. And I don't want to throw my success in your face, but I have my own cubicle. How do you like me now, bitches?

I was on the bus and The guy in front of me went into convulsions, started swallowing his tongue. He was shaking and sweating and puking. His friend's like, 'Oh man, he's been drinking for 55 days straight. We gotta get him off this bus -- now.' So, we get him off the bus. I'm looking around going, 'Great, now who's gonna drive?'

I like Canada, but I forget it's up there. I always think of Canada as our attic: you forget it's up there, and then you get up there, you're like, 'Wow, look at all this crap.'

Me and my father went to a fetish party last week. It was awesome. This woman was hitting me with a paddle, and she was like, 'Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?' I was like, 'That guy right over there!'

Have you ever been drunk in the middle of the day? And I don't mean a couple of cocktails with lunch -- I mean like severely messed up. It's weird because you can't even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, 'What do you mean I can't get an Egg McMuffin? What -- because it's after 11? That's ridiculous.' He's like, 'No, sir, because this is a bank.'

You look at our grandparents' generation, and they're a much tougher people than us. My grandfather went through the war, the Depression. He came back from the war. He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands, went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that. I built a bong out of an apple once. I bragged for like six months.

The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys -- a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do -- and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly -- boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.

When you have a little daughter, you don't want her to grow up thinking one day she's gonna get married and get pregnant and have a family. You want her to be like Barbie, the bleach-blond whore with the 28 double-D's, rolling around the pink Corvette, having bisexual orgies at the beach house with Ken Eunuch.

You go to safari, you're going to find out the lion is a joke... They're big over here; in Africa, the other animals laugh at them. They're like idiots with mullets.

My friend goes to me, 'I can't picture you on safari, Col.' What does that mean? I don't seem athletic enough to sit in the back of a jeep and look at a f**king zebra?

A lot of people say, 'Hey, you should quit smoking 'cause it not only affects you, but it affects the people around you.' You should see the people around me, folks. I don't think you'd be that interested whether they lived or not.

People call us lazy, that's what gets to me. We're not lazy, folks. We've only been in this country for 300 years. We built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories. We're not lazy -- we're done.

  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

  • Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

  • We were in the hotel room, and it's kind of cold. 'Well,' I go, 'I'll put the heat on a little bit.' I put it on 70. It was freakin' Celsius! Yeah, know what that is in real life? That's like 2,000 degrees or something like that. The water in the toilet was boiling.
  • I remember when Grandpa's memories started to go. It was the day I caught him urinating with the door open. Which is not a huge deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.

  • You ever go into those fancy malls? You ever see those girls working behind the cosmetic counters? They've got lab coats on. What are they doing, splitting atoms back there? I went in there to buy cologne; they drew blood and told me I had a yeast infection. You laugh -- I gotta go back tomorrow for a pap smear.
  • Laughter is the best medicine. It really is, and I'm not making that up. They've done studies that prove that people who laugh a lot, they actually live longer than people with terminal cancer.
  • Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything.
  • Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

  • Whenever you see riot footage on TV -- you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle -- you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.
  • You want to stop the oil spills? I got an idea. Take the oil companies, merge them with the condom companies, and you design a huge tanker condom. But now, the captain's complaining; he's like, 'I don't like it, mateys. I can't feel the ocean.'

  • Final Destination is about a boy who gets in a plane; the plane takes off, explodes -- everybody dies. But then the boy wakes up before that happened: it was a vision of the future. He's now on the plane before it's taken off. He's like, 'We got to get out of here. This is going to blow!'. So they kick him off the plane because that's what would happen if you did that in real life. So far, very realistic. So, he's off the plane. It does take off, it does explode -- just like he saw in his vision. He cheated death. Death then haunts him and follows him for the rest of the movie, which is what happens if you cheat death in a crappy movie. So, I get to the end of this hour and a half of my life. I'm like, 'What a crapfest.' Then I wake up in the theater before it started. I'm like, 'We go to get out of here. This is going to blow!'
  • When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time -- you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.

  • There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. 'Unprovoked' -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: 'Hey shark, you freakin' lookin' at me? You got a problem or somethin'? I got somethin' for you to bite right here!'
  • I'm amazed how many people will say they're a vegetarian and then add, 'Well, I eat a little chicken.' Well, then you're not a vegetarian. You're what's known as a liar.

  • You hardly ever see a midget stripper. Why is that? 'Cause they're morally superior to us? I don't think so. It's not because they're not sexy. I think it's because they're too afraid that a guy will get too drunk and kind of horny and just pick her up and run off with her.

  • My favorite holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
  • You can't argue, thanks to the Internet. I was at a party last week, and friends were arguing about whether or not a certain movie had won an Academy Award or not. The argument went on forever, so finally I just went up to my buddy's computer and watched pornography. Problem solved.

  • Years after my grandfather was castrated in a horrible industrial accident, my grandma continued having kids, just out of habit -- black kids, white kids, Chinese kids. We don't know how she did it --well, we know how she did it, we just don't like to talk about it.
  • Growing up, we named our family dog after my dad. Our dog's name was Dad. That got confusing, as you can probably imagine. Like one time at a family gathering, Dad crapped on the carpet. I wasn't there to see it happen; I was out walking the dog. Ruined Mother's Day. 'Mother' is our cat.

  • Have you seen the baby knapsack with the kid hanging in the front? Could that possibly be safe? Yeah, that's good because when you trip, you want a baby airbag to break your fall.
  • What I do for self-defense is I carry a baby around with me. I was thinking about it -- what kind of a person, no, what kind of a monster would attack someone that will hit them with a baby
      • If I ever heard someone breaking into my house, I would just try to pretend like I was also breaking into my house. Oh, and we would laugh about that coincidence for a while.
      • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

        • just because "Battered women" sounds delicious, doesn't make it right. Have you ever been to someone else's home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can't yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, 'Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I'd hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they've read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty.' 

          • Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'
          • What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

            •  They're calling Hooters the family restaurant. Isn't that hilarious? Tits for the whole family.
            •  We go to stop in Chinatown and this, like, 150-year-old little Chinese lady goes to get on the bus. She probably wasn't literally 150, but you know how when Asian people get old they start to look like magical old? Like she could have been a 1,000 years old or, if you found her shop and gave her money, she'd give you a...n animal and be like, 'Don't get it wet.'
            • You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

              •   My birds and the bees speech as a kid: Dad was cooking breakfast he's like, Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, Know, wait 'til she starts sizzlin', then you can flip her on over, there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.
              • God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

                • I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'
                • Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.
                •  I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: 'I'm paying my way through medical school.' Now, if that's the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? You'd think they'd be everywhere.

                  •   I hate the people that work at the gym. I don't even know what they're talking about. They're like, 'Hey man, what are you gonna target today, your lats or your quads? What are you gonna work on, your delts?' 'I'm gonna work on getting laid. That's why I'm here. If you could just point me to that machine.

                    • I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I'll tell you why: 'cause if you look at our stuff -- I mean, it's all kind of gross -- but at least with women, it's all organized. It's like God made a little package; it's all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. but with us men, it's like God started to make a bowl, and the phone rang.
                    • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
                    •   this one girl -- she was a vegan -- one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, 'Oh, I don't believe in sugar.' Bitch, it exists.

                      •  My laptop has been acting kind of buggy lately. I was working on it, and this thing popped up. It said: 'Windows encountered a critical flaw. Would you like to send an error report back to Microsoft?' And I clicked 'don't send' 'cause I ain't no f**king snitch.

                        • I was on a wine tasting tour once and the woman's talking about acidification and oxygenation and fermentation. And I'm basically thinking, 'Great. Where's the free wine? Let's talk about my dehydration. I've had enough of your presentation. Let's get going on my intoxication.'

                          • When a woman has an orgasm, it's like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It's awesome. Even other women are like, 'Aw, she's having a nice time; that's cool.' When a guy has an orgasm, it's like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, you're going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
                          • You know how you spell words around kids you don't want them to know? My Uncle Snooky always spelled the wrong damn words -- 'What do you say we go out to the c-a-r and smoke some dope?'
                          • TV will drive your ass crazy. Psychic hotlines -- how many of you call the hotline? If they were really psychic, wouldn't they be calling your ass at home?

                            •  Homophobes are the dumbest sons of bitches. They act like, 'Oh, they'd want to have sex with me.' Look in the mirror -- you're safe. They're gay; they're not blind.
                            •   If we're gonna murder murderers, why don't we rape rapists? Sounds good on paper, but there'd be a short line for that job.

                              •   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, 'In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger.' How the hell do they know how fast I can read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f**king people.
                              • I just got dumped recently, but I'm alright with it 'cause we weren't a good match. You know -- I'm a Taurus; she was a whore.

                                • Certain things as men that you don't do. Like, guys, when you're out with your friends and you drop your buddy off, you don't wait to see if he got in OK. You leave; it's uncomfortable. If he gets his ass kicked on the way to the door, that's his own fault. He should learn how to fight.
                                •   I hate the right-wing jerkoffs that always say stupid stuff, like, 'People choose to be gay.' First off, no, they don't. They're born that way. I got a gay cousin. That bitch was different from day one. My cousin flew out of the womb. He's like, 'This placenta's disgusting. I'm never going back in there.' And he didn't; he kept his word.

                                  •  Benadryl -- the seven-dollar babysitter.
                                  • I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'

                                    • I saw the movie 'Alive.' Did you see that movie? The movie where the plane crashes, and they eat each other to stay alive? And I'm thinking, 'Hey, this is one movie they won't be showing on the airlines.' No, not because the planes crashes, but the fact that the people in the movie are eating better than the people on the plane.
                                    • These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look -- I can.'

                                      • I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

                                      • They always have signs in the restaurant bathrooms: 'Employees Must Wash Hands Before Leaving Restroom.' Apparently, patrons can pee all over themselves.

                                      • This one dude in Michigan stabbed a lady in the head 17 times with a spoon. G**damn, do you know how mad you've got to be at somebody to kill them with a spoon? Now with a spork you can mess somebody up, but a spoon?.

                                        • People that drive a gas-guzzling SUV and they put a flag on it -- that's like a whore wearing a rosary.
                                        •  They ask you dumb stuff on job interviews, like, 'What do you think you can bring to the company, Juan?' 'I got a stapler. Other than that, I don't really have much. That's why I was looking for a job. I kind of thought you guys might have some kind of work-for-paycheck exchange program.'

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